True but thats because hes a fetus.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize