her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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