Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
