Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
