i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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