I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
