when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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