That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize