I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
