my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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