hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
