If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
