Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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