i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
