I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize