Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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