I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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