my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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