Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
