Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
