i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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