help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I faked an abortion last night.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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