this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
