Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
