She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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