Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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