What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
