I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
where are my eyebrows?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
