I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize