the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
