Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
