I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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