Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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