Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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