They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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