Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
