Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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