I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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