I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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