I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
