im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
