you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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