Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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