I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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