Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
