dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
