You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
