totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
sarcasm needs its own font
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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