I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Your dad touched me again.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
