you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
