escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just pee around me
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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