Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
