It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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