last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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