I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
