the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
