There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
