I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize