He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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