You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
