i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
